


Damned Beautiful

by FiccinDylan



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alive Hale Family, Alive Laura Hale, Comedy, Dick Pics, Drunk Texting, Fluff, M/M, Mistaken Identity, Misunderstandings, Sheriff Stilinski has strong feelings about fingerprints, Texting, accidental dick pic, laura may have a drinking problem, sterek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-03 21:33:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5307629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiccinDylan/pseuds/FiccinDylan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Stiles, a man has only a few things he can cling to in this world and the sanctity that his fingerprints are truly his own is just one of them.  I believe it was Machiavelli who said-”</p>
<p>“Jesus Christ, dad!  Just leave your phone and I’ll call fucking Haletech!” Stiles yells, flailing his hands out to the side.</p>
<p>“Language!”  The sheriff yells back.</p>
<p>aka the Sheriff's phone is on the fritz and it's up to Stiles to fix it.  Thank goodness he has the help of a certain Haletech employee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Damned Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elijr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elijr/gifts).



> This is the Saturday of Sweetness ficwise and I hope you guys have enjoyed it before the angst fest next week! :D
> 
> Anyhoo, I'm in a chat where our specialties include shenanigans, endless fic recs and being able to sterek anything. One of the members had a fun encounter with a phone service guy and this little diddy was born. I hope you enjoy it squad! For: L, MK, B, M, A and E!

“The damned thing won’t stop going into sleep mode and my fingerprint hasn’t changed, Stiles! It’s the one thing that doesn’t change, there are three things in life that are guaranteed; death, taxes, and that my damned fingerprints are my own!” Stiles knows it’s bad when the sheriff starts waxing poetic about the solid, dependable nature of fingerprints and his new iPhone’s inability to properly scan and identify his.

“Dad, look. Just, we’ll disable the fingerprint lock and change it to a passcode.” Stiles suggests. The sheriff shakes his head.

“Nope, new protocol down from the state regarding all departmental cell phones. They have to have the fingerprint thingy and mine is a piece of shit. Stiles, a man has only a few things he can cling to in this world and the sanctity that his fingerprints are truly his own is just one of them. I believe it was Machiavelli who said-”

“Jesus Christ, dad! Just leave your phone and I’ll call fucking Haletech!” Stiles yells, flailing his hands out to the side.

“Language!” The sheriff yells back. Then he embraces Stiles in his arms and places a kiss on his forehead. “And thank you, son. I was about five seconds away from running over the damned thing with my truck. See you!” The sheriff jauntily scoots out of the kitchen and leaves for his next shift while Stiles sits at the table and dials Haletech mobile on his phone.

He goes through all the appropriate prompts, and after what seems to be a phenomenal wait (anything over 45 seconds) he hears a friendly voice on the other end.

“Haletech mobile, this is Derek. Is this John Stilinski?”

“Uhh, yeah, this is he.”

“Hi John, can you verify the account number or phone number on the account as well as the last four digits of your social security number?” Derek asks so sweetly that Stiles forgets to be annoyed by the fact that he already entered all of that into the system when he called in. He gives Derek the info and waits.

“Thank you for verifying your account, Mr. Stilinski. I see you’ve been a valued customer with us almost since we opened 5 years ago and just added a business line. We appreciate your service. Which line are you calling about, the business or personal line?”

“Umm... the business line. And please, call me Stiles.” Stiles says, trying his best to flirt with his voice.

“Stiles? Is that your middle name? It says your name here is John?” Derek asks. Stiles blinks forgetting that he was actually his dad for this call. He clears his throat and tries to make his voice a bit more gruff.

“Err, it’s a family nickname.”

“Huh,” Derek seems to take it in stride, “It reminds me of someone. I think there’s a character in some movie with that name?”

Stiles cocks his eyebrow and thinks, “Hmm, I don’t know. It’s pretty unique, I don’t know any other ‘Stiles’.”

“Uggh, it’s gonna drive me crazy until I think of it. Look, tell me what your problem is and maybe that will distract me enough to forget about it. How can I help you?”

‘ _You can let me stick my dick in your voice.’_ is what Stiles desperately wants to say. This guy’s voice is dripping honey, smooth, slightly gruff, but light and airy. Stiles wants to marry it and get it pregnant.

“Umm, the fingerprint scanner on my phone isn’t working? Normally I know this would be an Apple issue, but it doesn’t seem to be connecting to the data so we can reset the scanner and it won’t let us update over wifi because of security.”

“Wow, you know a lot about these phones.”

“Yeah, kind of a techie.” Stiles says, surprised at his sudden shyness. “I’m a programmer, I create apps. Have you ever heard of _Sugar Blasters_? You grow candy, match it up in bundles of three or more and the catapult it at your ingame friends? It’s not very original, but it stays in the top 10 in the app stores.”

“Wow, that sounds like something. I’ll have to check that out.” Derek replies genuinely. “Well, if you don’t mind while I put you on hold for a minute, I’ll see if we can’t find what the issue is.”

Stiles agrees and gets lost in the on hold music.

“ _Oh, oh, oh, ohhh, this is a brand new day_!” Stiles finds himself singing along.

“Yeah, it’s pretty catchy stuff, huh?” Stiles blanches as he nearly topples out of his chair at Derek’s voice returning to the line.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry you had to hear that.” Stiles apologizes and regrets his existence.

“Don’t worry about it, Stiles,” Derek assures him. Stiles could probably come just from Derek saying his name. He kinda hopes he’ll have the chance. “One guy was actually belting out _“I’ll Do Anything for Love, But I Won’t Do That_ ’ so passionately that I let him finish before coming back on the line. We gave him a round of applause, it was pretty great.

“Sounds like you guys party hard over there.” Stiles says with a helpless grin.

Derek laughs into the phone, “Oh, we try to take advantage of the light moments. Well, I see that your issue is actually pretty common. I’m going to send an update to the device and then I’m going to call the device to make sure the patch got installed correctly. Do you have an alternate number where I can reach you after we disconnect?”

It takes Stiles a full moment to understand that Derek needs the number to call him back about the phone, and not to ask him out later and engage in multiple rounds of phone sex.

“Oh, yeah!” Stiles gives the number and waits. After a few moments he sees his dad’s phone light up and then sees the phone company’s call come in and go to voicemail. Stiles begins to wonder if maybe he should have answered when he receives a call back on his phone.

“Stiles?” Derek’s heavenly voice rings over the line.

“Yeah, uhh, was I supposed to pick up?” Stiles says as he scratches absently at the back of his head. Derek chuckles a little.

“Nope, we just had to make sure there was a connection. Can you try the fingerprint scanner and let me know if it works?” Stiles looks at the phone and is grateful he snuck his own fingerprints on the device while he was setting up the phone for his dad. He locks and unlocks it a few times in a row without any problems.

“I’ll do some more thorough testing later, but it looks like everything is good. Thanks, Derek. You’ve been very helpful.”

“ _Teen Wolf_!” Derek blurts out suddenly. Stiles wonders if that means you’re welcome in another language or did Derek really just get super excited about some ‘80s movie.

“Who in the what, now?”

“Stiles! Umm, _Whachu talkin’ about, Dicknose!?_ wait, that’s not right. Uhh, _What are you talking about, Dick-_ no, _You talkin’ to me, Dicknose?_ ” Derek continues to become increasingly frustrated.

Stiles stares at the phone in shock. He probably should be more concerned, but Derek just said some variation of ‘dick’ like three times in a row and he couldn’t say he was against it. “Are you having a stroke right now? Do you smell toast?! Is this your _naaaarm_?”

“What? No! Stiles is from the movie _Teen Wolf_. My little sister found a VHS copy at a garage sale when we were young and was obsessed with it. Kid gets bitten by a werewolf, goes surfing on a car?” Stiles shakes his head as though Derek can see him. Thankfully Derek just keeps talking, “Anyhow, the best friend is named Stiles. You know what? I’ll send you the wiki link on it. The number I called is that your cell? I can text you the link.”

Sure, Stiles could have taken time to explain a little concept called Google where he could also get the link, but this dude just asked for Stiles’ number directly. This had to mean something, right?

“Umm, yeah, just send it… from _your_ phone to _my_ phone.”

“Awesome. Okay, it’s on its way. Is there anything else I can help you with today, Stiles?”

‘ _Marry me?’_ Stiles says as he figuratively gives his inner monologue a pitying pat on the head.

“No, I think I’m good, Derek. You’ve been great, on a scale of one to five, fives all around.”

“I appreciate that, Stiles. Enjoy your evening.”

The call disconnects and Stiles sees the link sent to him. He saves the number as “FH Derek”.

“Future Husband is fucking right.” He says as he clicks the link and scans the article for something to text back to Derek.

***

> **From Stiles**
> 
> _Evidently I call people dicknose a lot. I would complain about lack of creativity, but I make games where people throw candy at each other so…_

“What the hell is a Stiles?” Laura says to herself as she checks the incoming text.

> **From Stiles**
> 
> _This is the other Stiles by the way. I read the article you sent. The movie sounds… well it sounds fucking awful. I’m sorry you had to sit through that. Unless you like it too in which case it’s genius. What other kinds of movies do you like?_

Laura looks around as though something in her office will explain what the hell is going on. The only history seems to be a link to a Wikipedia article about a 1985 movie called _Teen Wolf_. Laura doesn’t remember sending this link and she certainly doesn’t remember a _Stiles_.

“Do I drink too much? Am I an alcoholic?” She wonders aloud. After a moment she sets to replying on her phone.

> **To Stiles**
> 
> _My little sister used to love that movie. Uggh, how drunk was I that I told you that story?_
> 
> **From Stiles**
> 
> _Uhh, dude, I’m hoping you weren’t drunk at all. It would be pretty irresponsible._

She must have been driving when they talked? She usually take an Uber when she goes out. Maybe she was driving his car? What did she do last night? She doesn’t even remember having her phone, she thought she left it at work.

> **To Stiles**
> 
> _Don’t call me dude!_

‘ _I’m a pretty lady, dammit!’_ Laura sneered at the phone. If this guy was going to be a tool she would be one back.

> **To Stiles**
> 
> _Don’t judge me! What are u looking at, dicknose?!_

Ha! That would show him! This… this _Stiles_ , or whatever ridiculous name he had! Shit… was Laura drunk now? Was she still drunk or was this new drunk?

> **From Stiles**
> 
> _Haha, no judgement! And look, you got the line right!_
> 
> **To Stiles**
> 
> _That’s right, because I’m a boss bitch!_
> 
> **From Stiles**
> 
> _Wait, are you a boss, bitch? Like ur the boss and i’m the bitch? or you’re a boss bitch, like bad@ss bitch?_
> 
> **To Stiles**
> 
> _Yep!_
> 
> **From Stiles**
> 
> _Ha! I like you Dear_
> 
> **From Stiles**
> 
> _Fucking autocorrect. U know what I meant_

Aww, _‘Dear’_? Laura thought that was so sweet. Autocorrect makes everything better, anything is better than stupid ‘ _dude_ ’. Laura smiles blurrily at the text.

> **To Stiles**
> 
> _No! I like it, never stop_
> 
> **From Stiles**
> 
> _Umm, ok. I gotta say, you’re different over text_
> 
> **To Stiles**
> 
> _You think I’m different over text, you should see me in bed._

Laura had to figure out where she knew this guy from. If they slept together he would agree and that would narrow it down… some.

> **From Stiles**
> 
> _Jesus, Dear!_
> 
> **From Stiles**
> 
> _Dammit! A/c_
> 
> **To Stiles**
> 
> _Don’t worry, I love it. I love it._
> 
> **From Stiles**
> 
> _Cool, that’s cool._

Laura smiles despite herself.

A few weeks pass and as Laura stares at the (admittedly handsome) penis on her phone, she wonders if she’s officially reached catfish territory.

‘ _That can’t be him._ ’ she thinks to herself. But she asked “dicknose” for a dick pic and this is what he sent. She fiddles with her 24hr sobriety chip (she was going for the silver, but there was a company birthday party and there was no way she was gonna stay sober for that) and pulls up Google.

“Laura, what are you doing?”

“Reverse image search. I’m going to upload what this guy claims is his beautiful dick and I’m going to find out which of the Cocky Boys it actually belongs to.” She explains as she’s about to upload the pic to her email to save it to her computer.

Derek reaches out and pulls her hand back.

“Laura don’t!” He grabs the phone and steps back. Laura reaches for the phone halfheartedly, but gives up and begins routing around her desk for advil.

“Maybe I should go back to school and discover my _passion_.” She wonders aloud while Derek goes through the many pictures of the mystery guy’s junk in Laura’s gallery.

“Laura, whose is this and why is it on your phone?”

Laura shakes a bottle of Advil in triumph and then immediately regrets doing so as the reverb echoes painfully in her head.

“Some guy who started sending me stupid text so I started messing with him in retaliation.”

“And this is his dick?” Derek says, eyes transfixed to the screen. Laura nods.

“Yep.” She reaches again for the phone and Derek slaps her hand out of the way. She flips him off.

“Umm… do you have a picture of his face? Do you think he likes Mexican food?”

“Oh my god, Derek, no! This dude is not a good guy and I know that probably just turns you on more, but you can’t date him because I need you to go and kick his ass for me.”

Derek’s eyebrow furrows, “Why am I kicking his ass?”

“He sent me dick pics, Der! It’s obscene! And he keeps calling me _Dear_? That’s creepy.”

“ _Uggh_ , fine, alright. He’s probably single though, right?”

“Focus, Buns!” Derek cringes at the childhood nickname Laura only pulls out when she wants something.

“God, fine! Tell him you want to meet him tomorrow and I’ll go and kick his ass.” he promises. Laura fistpumps the air and again immediately regrets it.

“I think I have to puke.”

“Jesus, Laura. Get help.”

***

Today was the day. After weeks of texting Stiles and Dear- _fuck_... _Derek_ were finally going to meet. Stiles fiddles with his phone, finally adding Derek to his dictionary so maybe his autocorrect would stop being a dick. Derek didn’t seem to mind though Stiles wasn’t sure how much he could keep that pet name up in person.

Stiles wore his glasses and trademark beanie and pinned a small lily bloom to the collar of his sweater. He told Derek what he was going to be wearing. Now all he had to do was wait and-

Out of the corner of his eye Stiles sees the most blindly handsome son of a bitch he’s ever laid eyes on. And he even comes with a side of resting bitch face that _works_ for Stiles though he still hasn’t completely figured out why. Stiles sees the golden bat pin on his jacket (he’d assumed that it would be a baseball bat, since Derek said he loved hitting things with it, but Stiles couldn’t give a damn, this dude was hot) and grins, standing and holding out his hand.

“Hi, I’m Stiles Stilinski, you must be Derek.”

***

‘ _Fuck!_ ’ Derek curses to himself. ‘ _I knew the little fucker would be sexy.’_

Derek pushes Laura into some nearby bushes and watches the kid at the table as he fiddles with his cellphone. He’s got long, sure nimble fingers, a pouty red mouth, and the clearest, most sparkling brown eyes Derek has ever seen.

He couldn’t beat this kid up! He could fuck him into the floor… or let the kid fuck _him_ into the floor with that gorgeous dick-

“Derek!” Laura hisses from the bushes, “Stop rhapsodizing and go kick some ass! I’m going to Periscope it!”

“You’re going to what? Put your phone away and shut up, I’m going!” Derek turns back to his task at hand. He’d go and put on a show for Laura and then later find the guy and try to explain and maybe invite him out for enchiladas?

“What’d you say this guy’s name was?”

“I don’t know, Jerry Levine?”

“What?”

“Just go, Derek!”

Derek rolls his eyes and schools his expression to his best resting bitch face. He begins his stomp towards Stiles. Instead of being frightened by his exterior like most sense-having citizens would be, Stiles simply stands (oh god, he was even tall?), beaming his beautiful smile and holds a hand out to Derek.

“Hi, I’m Stiles Stilinski, you must be Derek.”

_Fuck_.

He was Derek! And this is _Stiles_. The guy from that night weeks ago, he’d know that voice anywhere! And of course that name. This was him, this was the guy! The guy who he’d hoped would text him back. He’d saved the guy’s number and sent the text on Laura’s phone, but she would tell him if she got a text back from someone she didn’t….

_Fuck._

***

Stiles stands patiently waiting for his future husband or murderer (it could honestly go either way from the look on the guy’s face and again, Stiles was confused why it was _working_ for him) to get back online. After a moment the guy looks at Stiles’ hand like it’s a grenade and reaches out tentatively to shake it.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” Derek starts though unsure of where he can even go from there.

“What? For what dude, are you okay?”

“Umm, oh god, okay. This is really embarrassing, but I’m the Haletech guy.” Derek starts. Stiles smirks and cocks his head confused to the side.

“Uhh, yeah, I know. We’ve been texting for weeks. I sent you several pictures of my junk which were not only _not_ reciprocated, but never even complimented! I don’t know which I’m most offended by, but you’re super hot so I’m inclined to forgive you.” he finishes with a wink.

Derek groans and buries his head into his hands.

“No, it’s just that, the state police is the largest contract we’ve pulled this year, but we don’t have a lot of call center support here so I was just filling in to help out. That’s why you got me.”

“I don’t… I’m sure there’s a connection, but I’m not-”

“Your dick is gorgeous.” Derek blurts out a little too loudly. His face heats up as Stiles guffaws and looks around to see if anyone is paying attention to them. They’re not. Stiles may be a little offended by that too, this dude was too hot to be ignored.

“Umm… thanks? But again, what does this-”

“You’re gorgeous, I mean, too, also. But that wasn’t me, that you were talking to? Fuck, this is gonna sound ridiculous.”

Stiles puts up his hands to try to put Derek out of his misery, “I can’t tell if it’s your damned beautiful face or if you’re actually speaking gibberish right now, but I need you to bring it down like 12 notches. And then reel it in and bring it home so we can scale it and fry it up for dinner, okay?”

“What?”

“It’s a basic fishing analogy!”

“I don’t fucking have a phone!”

“What are you even talking about?!”

“That night!” Derek says, throwing up both palms towards Stiles as though pleading with him to stop, look and listen and think about what’s going on. “To send you the link, I used my sister Laura’s phone!”

Derek points to some hedges where a woman - evidently the infamous _Laura_ is not so discreetly watching… and periscoping? Stiles narrows his eyes as he sees a woman with the same raven hair and arresting green/grey/gold/blue/whateverbonerproducing eyes staring wildly at the two of them and then ducking behind the shrub.

After a short moment where she probably contemplated how ridiculously Benny Hillian she looked, she stood up and waved with her head downcast in shame.

“She’s my sister.”

“ _Ohhhh_!” Stiles says, a lot of things finally clicking into place. _Everything_ finally clicking into place. “Oh _shit_! I sent her pics of my dick! I told her things, wait, why did she even answer me the first time?”

“I think she was drunk, I think she’s got a problem, maybe she’s unfulfilled?” Derek says thoughtfully as he watches his sister squint obviously at her telephone screen. He shakes his head and turns back to Stiles, “Anyhow, I didn’t find out until weeks later. She thought you were a creep and was having fun with you. She sent me here to beat you up.” He says this part sheepishly as he ducks his head. He looks again to Laura who is staring directly at them and then juts her head to the sky. She sees a passerby that she pretends to know and tries to start a conversation. Stiles sighs.

“So she doesn’t know that you and I-”

“Nope.”

“Well how did you find out?”

“Umm, I kind of stopped her from google image searching your dick.”

“ _What_?!” Stiles yells out startling a small dog who is chained to a bike pole. Derek throws up his hands again to placate Stiles.

“Your gorgeous and beautiful dick!”

Stiles looks at Derek incredulously, “There are six things you’re doing right now and none of them is helping!”

“I stopped her! I stopped her and then… dammit, Stiles, I’m so sorry! Please let me make it up to you, I’ll buy you coffee… then lunch! I’ll take you out. I’ll give you free mobile data for life!”

“Wait!” Stiles puts his hand on Derek’s chest, taking a cursory moment to cop a feel and appreciate the firmness there. He looks into Derek’s kaleidoscopic eyes.

“Free data for life? Can you make that happen?”

“Well my family owns the company, I can definitely make that happen.” Derek says with a little leer and a wink. Stiles’ mouth gapes, his head falls back and his eyes roll in the back of his head.

“Oh my god, I think I just came.”

“Whoa, that’s-” Derek says giving Stiles the once over and a very judgmental eyebrow. Stiles gawps and pushes (ineffectively) at Derek’s wall of muscle.

“Don’t you give me those creepster eyes, mister! Your sister catfished me for close to a month and then sent you to beat on my fragile, but lithe frame.” Stiles pokes Derek in the chest, “I’m getting my 4G, you’re going to read through every text and give me your reaction, and then I’m going to put my gorgeous dick into your damned beautiful mouth!”

The last part he says looking hungrily at Derek’s mouth which is slightly parted like an open invitation to Stiles’ dick. Derek pants slightly as his pupils begin to dilate.

“Wanna get out of here?” Derek says… causing Stiles to laugh directly in his face.

Derek may be a bit offended.

“Oh my god, dude. I’m so sorry, but the hell? Your sister is still over there in the bushes evidently trying to train some birds! We can’t just leave her there, she’s gonna get arrested. Tell her to bring her ass and order us some fucking pastries, I’ll get some coffee.” Stiles rambles off as he waves Derek towards his sister.

He frowns slightly, again taking shallow offense, but turns to get his sister. As he returns he sees Stiles is standing with a cup of black coffee and two Advil. Laura looks up at him gratefully.

“This is going to be really good, isn’t it?” Derek asks Stiles who grabs Derek’s jacket and hauls him in, fitting their lips together smoothly. Stiles smiles against Derek’s pout.

“Hell yeah, especially when you come through with that data.” Stiles says with a wink. Derek laughs and sits down while Stiles signals for the waiter.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for coming along! Come visit me [on tumblr!](http://ficcindylan.tumblr.com)
> 
> Also, if you're an Adele stan, be sure to check out my [Sterek/25](http://archiveofourown.org/series/357413) series!


End file.
